Birthday 'gift' was sex with stranger

Disgusted ... by my perverted husband

My husband’s idea of a birthday treat for me was to take me to Amsterdam and to a sex club, where he picked up a guy for a threesome.

I’ve repeatedly told him I don’t want to have sex with anyone else but he tells me I’m the luckiest wife alive as no other husband would encourage his wife to have sex with other men.

We were both in our late twenties when we married 15 years ago. We have always had a very active sex life but he’s become increasingly hard to please. I had no problem with him watching porn or dressing up for him, but then he started talking about having a threesome with another woman to turn him on.

I thought he meant it just as a fantasy – something to talk about, not do – but he got the impression I was willing to hire a female escort and have sex with her as a turn-on for him. When I didn’t he got angry, and aggressive and made my life hell for weeks afterwards.

I became suspicious when I was pregnant with our second son and installed some spyware on the computer. I found he was looking at porn for hours every day, even contacting people pretending to be me and asking for couple sex.

Lately he’s been talking about me having sex with a man as his ultimate fantasy. When he took me away for my birthday, I thought he’d realized how upset I had been and was making it up to me.

Then he picked up the guy in the club for a threesome. I knew I’d have to go along with it or the next few months would be unbearable. I wasn’t attracted to the guy at all but I had to act out everything my husband wanted while he made it even worse by videoing it all. I just switched off or I’d have lost my mind.

Now he watches the video repeatedly and has started on about us doing it again. I’ve told him I have to fancy someone to have sex with them. All he says is he doesn’t want me to fancy them, just have sex with them.

I have to behave like a slut otherwise he can’t get turned on. I just feel like an object for his pleasure. I know the kids deserve to have their dad around but I’m not sure how much more I can take – this is not a marriage to me. I hate it but he only cares about his own desires. I am married to a perverted stranger.

Deider says

Stop agreeing to go along with all this any longer. You are making yourself miserable, damaging your self-esteem and risking your sexual health too.

Yes, it is best if children can be raised by two parents – but only if they are in a happy, respectful relationship. Your children will themselves be damaged if you are only together because your husband is bullying you.

Tell your husband you are drawing a line and not going along with his obsessions any longer. Explain what you can and can’t accept sexually.

Say you want your marriage to survive – if that is still true – so, if he can’t calmly live by your new rules, you will have to get help together. I’m sending you my leaflet How Counselling Helps.